Why does a woman who seems to love you so passionately keep denying you sex? What is it — greed, harmfulness, military cunning? Or do women just prefer to say “no” because they like the sound of that word?
Once upon a time, there was a kind old Austrian scientist, Sigmund Freud, who built his great theory on the axiom that all women are a little jealous of men because men have a penis and women don’t. But we men are also jealous of women. Because, of course, we have a penis, but it behaves too wilfully: it can, it can’t; it wants, it doesn’t want. There are a lot of problems with this penis, strictly speaking.
The women were much more fortunate here: they can always. But for some reason they don’t use these crazy features at all. Any normal man in their place would give to everyone and always to anyone who wanted, twenty times a day. Okay, let’s say it’s too much.
And yet, if you were in a state of constant combat readiness, and a girl was wandering around, and not just a simple one, but a beloved one, would you really refuse her?
But they refuse. Very often. And yet they say they love you. They love, they can, and they refuse — isn’t that a paradox?
It would be very tempting to assume that all women are crazy, but it probably isn’t. At least, most of them are still allowed to vote and get married.
That’s why we took the difficult path of investigation. We talked first with the women themselves, then compared these notes with the opinions of psychologists. And it turned out that there are seven of the most common reasons why women refuse to have sex with their close men.
- Hormones
It wasn’t her fault. Hormones decided everything for her. It would seem that the job of hormones is to sit quietly and engage in all sorts of physiological processes in the body. But no, they constantly strive to guide the actions and desires of a person, as if he does not have the sacred right to freedom, which is written down, among other things, in the Constitution. However, they can’t read hormones.
Expert opinion
Says Heinz-Eichart Rimmke, a sexologist and professor at the University of Hamburg.
Many women are emotionally very sensitive to hormonal fluctuations in the menstrual cycle.
The cycle is divided into four phases: menstrual, proliferative, ovulatory and luteal. Each of these phases has a special hormonal background. The first phase corresponds to rapid fatigue and weakness, the second — activity and activity, the third — a sharp increase in sexual excitability, the fourth — mild depression and an increased need for affection and comfort.
The luteal phase also accounts for the so—called PMS period, premenstrual syndrome, which occurs three to four days before the onset of menstruation and is accompanied by some aggressiveness and irritability. Although the vast majority of women do not change their lifestyle depending on the phases of the cycle, about 10-15% react to them very sensitively.
Many of my patients complain of a loss of interest in sex during the first and fourth phases, while the second and especially the third phases account for sexual appetite. I recommend that married couples with such problems not try to deceive nature, but build their sexual schedule so that most often intimacy occurs between the 3rd-4th and the 15th-16th day from the beginning of menstruation.
Nothing surprising. Nature does not tolerate any excesses (although, looking, for example, at a platypus, you would not immediately believe it), and therefore it was quite natural for her to arrange for women to desire sex only during those periods when they can reproduce. Fortunately, man knows how to put nature in its place, and many women, psychologically and socially prepared for the fact that sex is cool even without reproduction — so, these heroic ladies know how to command their hormones, and they behave meekly and do as the mistress ordered. For example, they get excited at the sight of you even on those days when they have no more chance of getting pregnant than winning a couple billion in the lottery. If that’s the kind of girl you have, you’re in luck. If not, get a calendar and be patient. The day will come when hormones will be on your side.
- Manipulation
But even if hormones are silent, a girl can refuse just like that. For prevention.
Expert opinion
According to Professor Paul Schilder, one of the pillars of modern psychology, not only humans, but also the vast majority of female animals resort to partner manipulation through sex.
Sex as a reward for food or “good behavior” is practiced in almost all warm-blooded species. The female needs sex less than the male, so she can manipulate him, arousing his sensuality and not intending to encourage him in the least. We can say that this is one of the foundations of mammalian sexual behavior, a mechanism by which weaker and more dependent females provide themselves with food and protection. Therefore, it would be unwise to consider such behavior in women as deviant (incorrect). We must accept this as a natural feature of women’s psychology.
Nature, as always, did not come up with anything good. Of course, you can talk to a girl like reasonable, civilized people. Read Schilder with her at your leisure, agree that you, who are so developed and super-cultured, do not need to behave like experimental chimpanzees and humiliate each other with these awkward manipulations. On the other hand, you can trust a woman’s intuition. What if you really wouldn’t be so interested if you were provided with sex at 200% of the required amount?
- Routine
However, sexual manipulation may have the best intentions. Perhaps the girl is not saying “no” because she wants to gain power over you. Maybe she’s doing this in an effort to turn your relationship into something even more harmonious.
Expert opinion
Dr. Muriel James, a family relations specialist at the University of Berkeley and the author of several best-selling books on psychology, believes that the fear of turning sex into something mundane and boring is a very dangerous thing.
Close relationships are built not only on emotional contact: a person, like any animal, tends to consider those individuals with whom he maintains stable tactile contact, whose smell and voice he feels constantly in close proximity to himself, as his family. Of course, when people sleep together and have sex regularly, the novelty and brightness of the sensations disappear. But a new stage begins — interpenetration, feeling like a part of your partner.
And here artificial fences and external coldness can lead to the fact that true unity will not work. The freshness of the novelty will disappear anyway, but the next important stage will not come. Modern life, when spouses spend most of the day apart and don’t have much free time to even lie in each other’s arms, is one of the main reasons that marriages last so short.
But this text of Mrs. Johnson can be cut out, replicated on a printer and hung in all corners of your apartment — from the front door to the soap dish. Let the girl get into the idea that you urgently need to make up for lost time and engage in interpenetration as often as possible.
- Dissatisfaction with yourself
Another common reason for her “no” is her noble passion for perfection. Well, a little bit in the inferiority complex.
Expert opinion
Professor Igor Kon, a famous sexologist, believes that all women have a passion for exhibitionism.
A woman in sex often looks at herself distantly, as an object, while a man is an unconditional subject. For her, sex is a work of art in which her body occupies the center of the composition. Therefore, from her point of view, it should be immaculately beautiful. A man, on the other hand, is focused on the process itself, and it usually doesn’t matter at all how he looks at that moment.
If we develop the professor’s idea in her own words, then the woman looks like a pastry chef who lovingly decorates a cake with roses made of whipped cream, so that a starving troglodyte bursts into the kitchen and, without washing his hands, licks this cake along with the roses in the blink of an eye. No, of course, we don’t mind having sex with beautiful lingerie and manicures. But for us, sex without a manicure is better than a manicure without sex. But for women, it’s the opposite.
- Dissatisfaction with you
However, not all actions of women are so hopelessly irrational. For example, we can understand that they don’t want to have sex with us when they’re angry with us. Theoretically. It wouldn’t be a hindrance to us.
Expert opinion
Sex should not be abused as a way to resolve conflicts, says Lonnie Barbach, PhD, psychologist and sexologist.
The reason for the conflict does not disappear from the fact that you are back together and you feel good. On the contrary, the problem remains, but it becomes intractable: left unsaid, it goes deep. If one of the partners regularly resorts to such a measure, then in the end it gives an extremely negative effect: the second partner begins to perceive his hugs and caresses as hypocrisy and deception, begins to experience distrust and detachment.
That is, you have to swear to the end. And only after smashing all the dishes at home can I say with relief: well, now we’ve kicked the problem out, we haven’t allowed any hypocrisy, and why don’t we finally have sex? As a last resort, before you start caressing and kissing, you can honestly promise each other that you will destroy the dishes tomorrow, in your free time.
- I’m being used
By the way, women aren’t angels either. There are plenty of girls who date a man just because they like sleeping with him. He doesn’t, but he does sleep. But for some reason, we don’t make scandals because of this. Probably because we understand how stupid a man looks when he tells a woman, “You only need me for sex!” - The infidelity factor
Unfortunately, it also happens that way.
Expert opinion
Women who date two or more partners at the same time often do just that, says Heinz-Eichart Rimmke, a sexologist and professor at the University of Hamburg.
Psychologically, they usually regard themselves as “dirty” (this is affected by the deep layers of Christian ethics), so the cheating woman tends to wash thoroughly, change clothes and maintain a time frame before coming into close contact with another partner.
Such behavior is practically unusual for men, which does not indicate their lower moral level: they simply do not feel “dirty” by any of their partners. However, this behavior is often observed in men after communicating with prostitutes: they usually consider this sex to be “unclean” at the subconscious level.
In general, if after a purely business meeting with one of her colleagues she sits in the bathroom for two hours, and then for two days she says that she has a headache, then there is a reason to start worrying. Or, on the contrary, completely stop.